Hello football fans!!!
Every year we actually beat the Clones (which has happened 4 out of the last 6 years, by the way) I say the same thing…but I swear the song remains the same:
• The food tastes better.
• The beer tastes fresher.
• The girls look prettier.
• JTG’s get shorter (well…maybe next week.)
I’m still enjoying this one! It makes this week SO unstressful!
Ok…I had to be at the MSP Airport first thing Monday morning to fly out to Detroit to spend ANOTHER week here; I’m still training on product knowledge. But wouldn’t ya know it? The only seat left on the plane was in first class; I swear that wouldn’t have happened if Iowa lost to ISU on Saturday. Iowa loses = back of the plane with a crying baby.
This brings us to the next topic – my non-weekly but all too often installment of:
JTG SHENANIGANS!!!
I’m writing this in red letters because I want the following people to SKIP OVER THIS SECTION:
• Mom
• Dad
• Sis Amanda
• Sis Kelly
• Sue
PLEASE!
Ok…screw it…here I go…
As I mentioned, I’m in Detroit for work like I was two weeks ago. Last time I was here, I went to an
Irish bar called “The Claddagh” and fired on a bartender (she was female), made progress, but couldn’t get her to meet me outside the bar. That was a-ok with me, because it was my first week of work and I didn’t need to show up the next day all tired and groggy.
Oh and by the way, she’s blonde, has big breastesesses, kinda chunky, but cute. And a really tidy bartender, I might add!
So I was back at The Claddagh again this week, and went there Wednesday night because they have great drink specials that night and they have a DJ (that’s there every Wednesday night) that’s a good DJ and not one of those “over-does-it” types of guys that ruins every song. (I’m sort of an expert on this topic, as I was a DJ in college at Malones. A.K.A. DJ Jazzy Jeff.) When I was at this bar two weeks ago and was feeling good, I requested Chaka Khan’s “Feel For You”. And that tune KILLD IT, YO! The DJ was impressed at my DJ skillz, and gave me a nod that said: “Yo…whitey…I like yo style.” Word.
So back to this Wednesday night; I walk into the bar and the DJ is already at work. I give him a nod, not really thinking that he’d remember me. Not two minutes later:
Chaka Khan, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan
Let me rock you, that’s all I wanna do
Chaka Khan, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Chaka Khan
Let me rock you, let me feel for you
Chaka Khan let me tell you what I wanna do
Do you feel for me, the way I feel for you
Chaka Khan let me tell you what I wanna do
I wanna love you, wanna hug you, wanna squeeze you too
Let me take you in my arms
Let me fill you with my charms, Chaka
‘Cause you know that I’m the one to keep you warm
Chaka, I’ll make you more than just a physical dream
I wanna rock you, Chaka
Baby, cause you make me wanna scream
Let me rock you, rock you
(harmonica, harmonica…)
Baby, baby, when I look at you
I get a warm feeling inside
He remembered! I turned around all excited (then immediately tried to play it cool) and he gave me that ice cold nod that black guys are so awesome at. We’re off to a great start!
So then the bartender comes around, and she gives me the stink-eye and says: “Hey blondie…weren’t you here a few weeks ago?”
“Yes ma’am.” (Giggly)
“What was your name again?”
“Jeff.” (Shoulders hunched up and looking at the ground.)
Aaaaaaand we’re off!
I tell her that she needed to pay attention to me because I was obviously her most important customer. She laughed. I tell her that if she keeps serving me drinks, I’ll actually get cuter. She laughs. Then she says:
“You have the prettiest blue eyes.” Umm..wow. Even a 12-year-old Daron Buch could hit that soft toss outta the park.
So she’s not getting off until around 1am, and she’s not finishing up at the bar until midnight. (Rimshot!) Just kidding, she’s not done until 1am. So I start pound liquid courage and hangin’ out with the DJ who’s awesome and plays great music, and let’s me request just about every other song; he has an affinity for lame 90’s music as I do. “All For Love” (Color Me Badd), “Fantastic Voyage” (Coolio)…whatever I wants.
So the bartender gets off work, and tells me that she doesn’t want to sit here and drink at her own bar. So we leave, and I follow her to a bar that – and I’m dead serious – shares the parking lot with my hotel. I’d rather be lucky than good.
For now on, we’ll call her CB (Crazy Bitch). After ½ of a beer:
CB: “Oh no.”
Me: “What’s wrong?”
CB: “That’s my ex-boyfriend’s band members over there.”
Me: “You’re ex-boyfriend was in a band?”
CB: “Yea…and he’s really big and he beat the shit outta some guy when we were dating because he looked at me the wrong way. He’s crazy.”
Now I’m not one to get all scrrrrred, but I’m not in the mood to mix it up with a heroine-addicted Detroit guy on a weekday night.
Me: “Let’s just get outta here.”
CB: “Where do you wanna go?”
Me: “Ummm…my hotel is right there.” (Pointing out window.)
CB: “Wow. You’re forward. Ok! But let’s go to the liquor store first so we have something to drink.”
At my hotel room, I’m not drinking because I don’t need to. She proceeds to make a 1/5 of Smirnoff disappear like a Houdini rabbit. She starts talking. She asks me if I have any toothpaste and then proceeds to brush her teeth with her finger. Why? Because she’s OCD and has to brush her teeth all the time or she freaks out.
Now I’m TOTALLY interested. You have to pay to get into the circus and I’m getting a free ticket.
Bi-sexual? Check
Caught her boyfriend cheating and tried to beat up the girl? Yes.
Perfect time to try and kiss her, and she says no. Think “Pretty Women” with a lot less plot.
OK…I have to leave out details. I’m sorry, but ask me the next time you see me and we’ll duck behind a building and I’ll give it up. But here’s the last thing that I will tell you:
She wants to do the ippidity-dippity. However, I do NOT have a rubber – how could I remember my product booklet and not the Jimmys! Anyhoo, NO FREAKING WAY is my little Greek going within 10 feet of that. So I turn her down.
Now she is PISSED. And here’s the line of the week:
CB: “Godamnit. I didn’t come back to your hotel room to socialize. You’re just a blonde-haired blue-eyed penis.”
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I’m seeing her again tonight.
Last week:
“We don’t have a Quarterback controversy, we have a QB problem.” I apologize to whoever said that at the tailgate because I’m stealing what was the quote of the day.
3-Game Grades:
Offense
QB C-
I’m lumping Stanzi and Christensen together right now because of the shit-burger that Stanzi served up after the first series last week. Until somebody is the actual starter, they will be called:
“ChriStanzi”
Maybe it was the first decent defense Stanzi has seen in his career. Even though Stanzi started against FIU, this was basically his first start; I still put him in front of Christensen. However, Christensen DID have the “play” of the game with the check-down to Shonn Greene who ran the ball for 20 yards and led to a TD. Would Stanzi have done that? Probably not. But the horrible overthrow by Jake on what could have been a crucial 3rd and 4 sucked balls.
I’m SO SICK of those plays when we overthrow receivers when the play is there. I’m still not on board with O’Keefe – but there were plenty of time on Saturday when the play-call was correct and the throw was NOT. We GOTSTA quit doing that so often.
RB B+
3rd straight 100 yard game for Greene – and he had one of the best runs I’ve seen in a LONG time with that spin out and run deal at the beginning of the game!
WR/TE B-
It’s not like they’re doing anything wrong (except for a few DJK drops here and there) but it’s not like they’re doing anything great. Brandon Myers is doing good things, though. And Anthony Brodell gets special Kudos for his punt return that will go down as one of the best plays in Iowa history. I know that’s an over-statement but if we wind up having a good year, that play is one of the big keys.
OL A-
They’re opening up holes, and our QB’s are staying upright. What more can you ask for? Bryan Bulaga is a BEAST and should not be F’d with. Beware Bulaga.
Offense B-
That’s probably a little generous…but hey…that was a physical game against our rival. I think the play-calling could have been a little more risqué at times, but I also understand that you play it close to the vest in game like that when you’re defense is playing well and your QB’s are NOT. However, I expect a loose and confident team on the road this week since we have nothing to loose…and that goes double for the QB’s.
Defense
DL B
Good. Solid. GREAT against the run. Need some more pressure outta our front four.
LB B+
This is no knock on Jacoby Coleman, but Pat Angerer looked really good on Saturday – that play he made on the 3rd down screen was good and a big play to boot. Maybe the senior should have his chance.
AJ Edds is a BEAST.
Secondary C
I understand that soft coverage is part of the game, and it doesn’t bother so much to see our corners constantly breaking up on the ball. But our safety’s have to play better against the pass – especially Brent Greenwood who I thought looked a step slow.
On the plus side, they’ve given up no big TD’s and they’re doing a great job coming up to help out on the run, though.
Defense B+
I was talking to the tailgate crew on Saturday (after the game) that I’ve never before realized how much our defensive philosophy relies so much on our offense. Wha? What I mean is that we are NOT going to give up too many points, as our 2 pts per game average through 3 games suggests.
But we ARE going to allow that other offense to hold the ball a lot, which means that our offense doesn’t get a lot of chances to get into a groove. Also, our offense seems to start a lot of their drives on their side of the field…that’s never good.
It’s not like I don’t like our defense. But to say I like it better than the old Bobby Elliot defenses where he wasn’t afraid to lock up his corners and send some heat? I can’t say that.
WEEK 4:
The Steve Young monkey is off our back, now let’s go play some football and get a nice road win.
Iowa Hawkeyes @ Pittsburgh Panthers (11:00 AM, ESPN2, Line: Pitt by 1)
My brother Daron and I were guessing the line on this game last Sunday while sitting at his place, and I nailed it by saying “Pitt by 2 or 3”. He said “Iowa by 5” and to be quite honest – I could have seen it that way as well. After all, we ARE 3-0, or defense doesn’t let anybody score and Pitt hasn’t exactly looked like gangbusters:
• They got beat by Bowling Green.
• Bowling Green turned around and lost to Minnesota.
• They barely beat Buffalo.
• Dave Wannstedt is their head coach. He has a big bushy mustaccio, but that only helps when you fight crime in Hawaii with a black helicopter pilot.
Pitt relies on the run with LeSean McCoy. We excel at stopping the run. That much I like. However, LaShaun is due for one big run, and it will happen in this game. LuhShawn is definitely the best back we’ve seen so far this year. However, unless there’s been some serious improvement outta Pitt’s O-line in the past 2 weeks of practice, it will be an otherwise quiet game for LayShawna.
I don’t think their QB – Bill Stull – is a bad quarterback. I guarantee that he will move the ball and take the 5-yard routes that we love to give. He’ll have something like a 24-34, 228, 1-1 type of game. That means that we’re going to give up our first defensive score of the year.
I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling that we’re going to do just fine offensively against Pitt. I think we’ll be more aggressive and we’ll be healthy with Moeaki and Stross. ChriStanzi will be sharper.
(JTG Note: I know this is going to sound cheap as hell, but I liked Iowa to win that game last weekend, and I even liked them to cover. However, I didn’t want to tempt the football/gambling Gods for such a huge game so I predicted what I felt like was the best thing to do for Hawkeye Nation. That wasn’t an egotistical statement, that was me proving how big of a dork I am.)
Game:
I’m most nervous about Pitt having that week off to rest up and really focus on this game. Don’t kid yourself – this is a big game for Wennstadt and Pitt. If I’m looking at this from a gambling perspective only, this game makes me nervous because Iowa is coming off of an emotional game (and Pitt had the week off).
But this is more of a feeling. As I said, I think we play loose and go after ‘em. Second dead panther of the season.
Iowa Hawkeyes 27 - Pittsburgh Panthers 18
Week 3 “Precarious Predictions”
YTD NCAA Record 7-8-2
Last Week 3-2-1
Iowa ATS 1-1
So Big Ten fans couldn’t exactly put on a Rasta wig and sing “Redemption Song” after last weekend – it all hinged on Ohio State playing well against USC…and that sure as shit didn’t happen. I partly blame myself, since I was taking part of the Peddicord Bachelor Party and was so stinking drunk by 7:00PM that I probably couldn’t tell USC apart from Ohio State if you dropped a USC Song Girl on my lap…and didn’t watch a single snap. (Or single cheer from a Song Girl.)
And Purdue messed up by losing to Oregon. But that’s the (cough, cough) 2nd best team in the Pac-10 playing the 7th best team in the Big Ten. The Pac 10 isn’t horrible, but it’s knocking on the door. The Conference Rankings As I See It:
1st SEC 5 Top 25 Teams (All in top 10 for the top-spot nod.)
2nd Big 12 5 “ “ “ (Superior offenses abound.)
3rd Big 10 4 “ “ “ (No GREAT team, several good teams.)
4th Pac 10 2 “ “ “ (One fantastic team, several bad teams.)
5th ACC 3 “ “ “ (No great team, very few good teams.)
6th Big East 2 “ “ “ (Two good teams, all the rest suck.)
I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again – I don’t disagree that the Big Ten is “down”. But they’re in third place…albeit by default! The Pac 10 went 0-4 AGAINST THE W.A.C. THIS WEEKEND! (Which included a 59-0 POUNDING of UCLA by BYU.) Maryland beat Cal, the list goes on. There is no better conference to rebuild a program: You have 8 winnable conference games every year and a no-pressure game against USC. (Nobody expects you to win, and if you do, you’re amazing. See: 2007 Stanford.)
Games of note (7 games including Iowa):
Thursday
#21 West Virginia @ Colorado – 7:30PM / ESPN-HD / Line: West Va by 3.5
What a weird match-up! This line is probably lower than it should be because of West Va’s ECU loss. But then again, Colorado has looked decent this year. And I HATE betting against the home team on these Thursday night games…especially when they’re getting a FG and and the other team has to fly cross country.
Colorado and the points.
Saturday
Michigan State @ Notre Dame – 2:30 PM / ABC-HD / Line: Sparty by 8.5
Wow! 8.5 points, huh? When I’m typing, I always look at these games on ESPN.com first for the info (rankings, time, TV) and then I guess at the line before I go to scoresandodd.com to see what the line really is. I had this at MSU by 4, so I guess this is a FG too high in my mind.
But what do I know? Notre Dame barely beat San Diego State, and that Meeechigan win was against a poor Meeechigan team that turned the ball over 1,357 times.
Sparty covers.
Iowa State @ UNLV – 9:00 PM / The Mountain (yes, that’s a TV station) / Line: UNLV by 3
Once again, I’m intrigued to see (or hear, or read) about how the Cyclones will do after they play us. UNLV is NOT a bad team…but I don’t think ISU is either…and I don’t think this ISU staff lets the Iowa game beat them twice like MaCarney’s did.
But that’s a late game, out west, and it’s their first game outta state.
UNLV covers.
#3 Georgia @ Arizona State – 7:00 PM / ABC-HD / Line: Georgia by 7.5
What a tough game to pick. I think Arizona State was looking forward to Georgia last weekend, and then got beat by a pretty good UNLV team. I think Georgia was focused on a pretty good Gamecocks team, and was still lucky to win.
On the other hand, the Pac-10 has looked poopy, and this isn’t that far of a trip to Arizona for Georgia.
Once again, more of a feeling. I definitely feel like there will be a point in this game when ASU is up and you say to yourself: “Aaaahhh…I like having the points when I bet…”
ASU and the points.
#4 Florida @ Tennessee – 2:30 PM / CBS-HD / Line: Florida by 7
I’m still stinging from that Fulmer-coached MESS against UCLA three weeks ago, which looks especially bad after UCLA got blown the “F” out by BYU.
I wish those Florida players didn’t talk smack about Tennessee this week (saying that Tennessee quit last year in this game) ruining my lock status. But I still like the coaching match-up, and the fact that Florida’s QB can carve up defenses like he can carve up wieners.
Florida covers.
Game of the Week:
#6 LSU @ #10 Auburn – 6:45 PM / ESPN-HD / Line: LSU by 2.5
Are there two top ten teams playing this week? ReallY?!? Why am I all of a sudden bored with these types of SEC games…is it maybe because the last game Auburn played in was a 3-2 baseball score? I don’t think there’s a bunch of great SEC offenses that have to play AMAZING SEC defenses. I think these are OK offense going against good defenses.
So in a defensive ballet like this, take the points (no matter how few); especially when you’re getting them at home.
Auburn and the points.
N ational F ootball L eague
• BAD NEW VIKINGS FANS: My family had a dog once named Gus…my dad shot him.
• GOOD NEW VIKINGS FANS: My dad shot all of our dogs growing up.
• That Monday Night Football game this week was AWESOME!
• I hate fantasy football (0-2 in both leagues).
• Why does Carson Palmer get to miss the “NFK Bust” conversations?
• Check One – Who has more marbles in their moth at any given time:
o Shannon Sharpe
o Mike Ditka
Week 3 “Precarious Predictions”
YTD NFL Record 4-6
Panthers @ Vikings NOON CBS Line: Vikings by 3.5
Vikings cover.
Lions @ 49ers 3:05 FOX Line: 49ers by 4
I’ve been brain-washed by the local media – the Lions are horrible.
Niners cover.
Steelers @ Eagles 3:15 CBS Line: Eagles by 3
What a game!
Eagles cover.
Sunday Night
Cowboys @ Packers 7:15 NBC Line: Cowboys by 3
I like the OVER!
Cowboys cover.
Monday Night
Jets @ Chargers 7:30 ESPN Line: Chargers by 9
Chargers (and hopefully LT) explode.
Chargers cover.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GO HAWKS!
-Jeffrey the Greek!
Posted by Jeff Buch 
