JTG – Guess Who’s Back?

Hello football fans!!!

TWO TRAILER PARK GIRLS GO ‘ROUND THE OUTSIDE! ‘ROUND THE OUTSIDE! ‘ROUND THE OUTSIIIIDE!!!

TWO TRAILER PARK GIRLS GO ‘ROUND THE OUTSIDE! ‘ROUND THE OUTSIDE! ‘ROUND THE OUTSIIIIDE!!!

Guess who’s back?….back again…..JTG’s back….tell a friend……

Guess who’s back….

Guess who’s back…..

Guess who’s back…….

Guess who’s back………

Guess who’s back……………

It’s finally here: FOOTBALL SEASON!!! WOOOOooooooooHOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST OFF:

Let’s get caught up folks. There’s been a few changes in ol’ Jeffrey the Greek’s life the past few months…

…but then again…

…if you go back and look at last year’s first post the similarities are strikingly similar (and that’s not a good thing):

1) I spent the summer unemployed.

Why? Because I was working for the world’s biggest be-yotch. Now I know there are a lot of married guys out there that would like to contend that last point, but I swear to all that is holy that she was the anti-Christ with tits. We didn’t butt heads – we locked horns. And unfortunately, her red-devil corporate horns were bigger than mine and she “won”.

2) But it’s been an AWESOME summer!

My tan? Epic. Books? I’m up to almost ten. (Must reads: “Three Weeks With My Brother” by Nicolas Sparks and “She’s Come Undone” by Wally Lamb.) The house? Done. The kitchen (and entire house for that matter) is clean 24/7. The Virgin Mary herself would be proud to cook in my kitchen.

Anyhoo, for those of you that can swing it, I highly recommend figuring out a way to get canned so you can live off the government (and Jeff Kelly – thanks for the hours Jeff) and relax for the summer. I wish I was kidding.

3) I’m single again.

This is either a bad thing or a good thing depending one which side of the fence you’re on.

It’s potentially bad because I’d like to have kids someday, and I’d like to have them when I’m still young enough to throw a football, and also while I’m able to produce sperm that can swim like Michael Phelps! The good news is – to quote Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” – I get older…but they stay the saaaaaame age.

The good news? EVERYTHING ELSE. heheheheheheh… I hope to bring you more JTG “short stories” as the fall goes on and as approximately 3,467 men live vicariously through my retardation. Example:

I AM seeing a girl already. She’s great if you’re into the 24-year-old, 5′10″, D-cup boobs type of thing. (Insert short joke here for my entire family.) Last Saturday night, my cousin Barney and his wife Jodi were in town to go see a Twins game with some friends. We went out later. I drank like an Indian fish and entered one of those drunk zones that I can only describe as an “out of body experience’. After coming up empty while hitting on every black girl that I saw, I went on a walk-about. And although I never came face-to-face with a crocodile, I DID lean up against a dumpster until the aforementioned 24-year-old came to pick me up. That was very nice of her. I re-paid her by falling asleep mid “cookie-baking”, which I learned the next morning.

I’ve only been single for a few weeks. I can tell you right now that I can’t keep up this pace anymore, but we’ll see where the next few months take me. Lord have mercy on the workin’ man. Did I say work?

4) I have a new job.

I start the day after Labor Day. I went back (again) and read last year’s first JTG and I was saying how my new company was a “great company” and yada-yada-yada. I’m not going to say that this year, and instead assume that this will be another hell-hole so that I’m pleasantly surprised if it’s better than that.

What do I do? I sell shit (again). I star after Labor Day so I don’t know how this will affect JTG the first few weeks while I train.

5) JEFFREY THE GREEK IS A BLOG NOW!

Gone are the “when is ________ sending me that Iowa email from that one dumb guy” and all things crappy that go along with me sending this thing via email. It’s the year 2008, and it’s time I took a step forward. Actually, it was my buddy Steve Kinney that took matter in his own hands. Thanks Steve!

PLEASE feel free to log onto http://jeffreythegreek.wordpress.com/ and put your two cents in at ANY TIME. I’m dead serious – PLEASE FEEL FREE TO REPLY. Because if I can get my impressions up, we can start making money of this mo-fo and REALLY have some fun. Also, I will be adding pictures, videos, and anything else that I can get up on my blog before my mom sees what I’m up to. This thing has potential!

OK – enough about that shit – here comes Mongo!

Iowa Football:

Where in the hell do I even start? What’s happened to our once proud program? Believe it or not, I have a few thoughts on the matter.

“When you’re pointing a finger, remember that there’s always three pointing back at you.”

- Dianne Eckenrod

Do I blame him for the off-the-field crap? No way. And for those of you that think he has any control over those 100+ eighteen to twenty-three-year-olds when they’re not at the football complex…you’re stoned. If you don’t believe me, then look no further than your own kids. That’s not to say anybody out there is a bad parent, but kids will be kids, no matter what. I guarantee that Ferentz has tried everything short of hiring a private dick to keep tabs. And actually – he’s trying to do that as well with this new position that’ they’re looking at.

With that being said…it would be nice if it stopped.

“Excuses are like assholes, everybody’s got one.”

- Uncle Buck.

Are we proud of what the coaches accomplished from 2002-2004? Obviously. Do most fans understand that we hit some unfortunate injuries last year that probably hurt our chances? I would say so. But the “explanations” (using the best word possible here) that Ferentz has given the past few years are getting old.

So why aren’t we winning? To me, it’s always a cross between two things:

1) The talent isn’t there.

2) We don’t change.

Although I agree that it’s a combo of the two, I think the 2nd one has given birth to the 1st. That is, we’d have better talent if our current talent where in a better position to play football.

“Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”

- Sun Tzu

I was watching the Big Ten Network last week. (And by the way – YES!!! Thank-you Comcast for finally being “Comcastic” like they say in their commercials and allowing the BTN to join their line-up!) Anyhoo, BTN was interviewing Jim Tressel after a practice. Tressel was talking about what they did in the off-season, and how it was so crucial to keep things “fresh” with so many older kids on the team.

He then went along to explain that even though his staff knows specifically what they’re trying to accomplish on the field, sometimes your opponent knows you even better. To me, this is problem number 1, 2, and 3: the Iowa coaching staff has simply become way too predictable.

I’ve heard it said on BTN (about our staff) and I’ve read it on rivals.com – and worst of all – I heard it from the Western Michigan coaching staff after the game when they beat us. We haven’t changed up our philosophies one bit in the past 10 years. We need to evolve. I’m not saying that we need to throw the ball 75% of the time – I don’t want that at ALL – but we need to find different ways to get the ball to our playmakers. And perhaps even more than that? We need to change our offense to our personnel, instead of trying to constantly make our personnel change to fit the system.

I think we can get by with it on defense. I don’t necessarily like it sometimes, but the numbers don’t lie. Also, I have reason to believe our defense will be special this year.

“The play’s the thing.”

- Bill Shakespeare

But the offense? Once again – THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE. We have been absolutely putrid since the middle of 2005. That’s 2 ½ years of bad offense. Every time I get excited about all the players we have coming back from injury, and all the potential…I have that excitement ruined by the mental picture of Ken O’Keefe with a headset on…and not just because he’s uglier than a mud fence in spring. His play-calling is downright disgusting.

“In conflict, straightforward actions generally lead to engagement; surprise actions generally lead to victory.”

- Sun Tzu

I’m talking about Ken O’Keefe again – I’ve never been afraid to beat a dead horse (or many other things).

I was watching a classic football game the other day on BTN: Iowa vs. Ohio State 1990. Even though 99% of you already conjured up half the game as soon as you read the date – this was the great game we lost on the last play of the game. Merton Hanks should have knocked the ball down at the end of the first half (somewhere out there Bobby Elliot is still coaching and using that play as an example). We dominated the stats but lost the game. Etc, etc.

The reason I bring it up is this: Do you remember the first play of the game? Ol’ Hayden Fry and his “Riverboat Gambling” ways called a reverse pass from Danan Hughes to Michael Titley for 40 yards. That put Iowa on OSU’s side of the field and we scored a TD about 10 plays later. When is the last time O’Keefe has EVER tried something new? I guarantee that asshole goes to Perkins every Sunday and orders the “Tremendous Twelve” every single time. Do I like me some tremendous Twelve? Yes! But sometimes you need to go to Denny’s and order “Moons Over My Hammy”!

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind, and won’t change the subject.”

- Sir Winston Churchill

I can’t tell what makes me angrier: Ken O’Keefe’s himself…or the fact that Kirk Ferentz won’t make the change to get rid of him. Obviously O’Keefe isn’t going to fire himself. And I tell you what, the Wisconsin Badger’s Defensive Coordinator didn’t fire himself at the end of last year – it was Bret Bielema that stepped up to do that. Why can’t you, Kirk?

OK…I’m done with O’Keefe (but just this week.)

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

- Confucius

If we don’t beat Iowa State this year…I’ll need at LEAST two graves.

I wish I knew how to quit you!

- Jack Twist

But we keep coming back, don’t we? We’ll still be there for the home opener, still excited as Christmas morning, and still thinking to ourselves: Maybe just maybe we’ll actually stick to the run…and maybe just maybe we’ll have an AMAZING defense.

And maybe just maybe I’ll keep this job and find a nice girl.

See you all next week for my “Precarious Predictions”!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO HAWKS!

-Jeffrey the Greek!