Scheduling…golf…whatever

 

Well hello folks – how the heck are ya?  I’m well behind the “every two weeks or so” for writing my blog, but seeing as how we still have 3 months to go (only three months!!!) before the pigskin starts to fly…I doubt you’re too upset.  However, let me give you just a few little tidbits:

Opening weekend (September 5^th) of college football looks pretty salty:

Iowa vs. UNI –         Not a game I’m too happy about (nothing to win but everything to lose) but it’s still Iowa’s home opener.  And I can’t WAIT to see the new field with the black end zones in person.

Georgia @ Ok St – WOW…a decent Big 12 vs. SEC tilt right off the bat!

‘bama vs. Va Tech –          SERIOUSLY?!?!?  These are two Top 10 teams!

 

And as far as Iowa’s schedule…I’m going to save my true rant until we’re closer to the season…but us poor ol’ Hawk fans are really getting the backdoor bump without the common decency of a reach-around.  UNI?  Arizona?  Arkansas State?  Northwestern?  (At home again with Northwestern???), Indiana, and the Goophers.  If it weren’t for the home game against Meeechigan I’d seriously be PO’d.  And how do we play Northwestern at home again and also GO TO East Lansing again???  That doesn’t make any sense at all.  AND we open up the Big Ten season on the road for the 67^th of the last 68 years.  And it’s at Penn State.  What is the deal here?…and what did our beloved school do to the Big Ten scheduling dudes that they hate us so much?  At least give us Ohio State or Penn State at home if you’re gonna pull this crap.

A-holes!

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Overheard at a party….thought it was hilarious:

“John and Kate Plus 8″ – I’ve never watched a single episode, but I’ve heard a lot of people talk about it.  I get the premise: It’s a cute married couple that has 8 kids.  I’m sure everybody tunes in to see all the shenanigans that would happen everyday when you have 8 stupid kids (all kids are stupid) running all over hell.  Parents that have a more normal amount of kids (2-4) watch to feel better about themselves, single people watch to remind themselves that being single with no kids is not that bad of a deal.  I get it.

Then we hear that John is trying to sniff some strange, and Kate is…well I don’t know about Kate but if she’s a woman with 8 kids I’m sure she’s a crazy beyotch.  So if they split up, this was what some guy at the party thought the new show should be called:

“John Minus 9”

Hahahaaaa!  C’mon…that’s pretty funny.

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Golf Story:

My buddy Filloon (yup…he’s related to Jon) is one of my good friends up here, and definitely my best golfing buddy.  We both play just good enough to keep the tempo moving, but just shitty enough to not take it too seriously.  (You know…just how ya like it.)  We’ve already been out 3 times this year and I’m trying to get as many holes outta him as I can before the married life that he just signed up for kills the buddy that I now know.

It started as “a quick 9 and grab a beer afterwards” then very quickly morphed into “let’s go 18, get shit-faced, then grill”.  And that was decided by the tee box on hole 2.  Once again, he’s the perfect golf partner.

The first 15 holes went fine.

On the 16^th hole, Filloon and I were sitting on the elevated tee box of a par 5.  The 4-some ahead of us looked like they were a mile away.  Plus, they were sitting right in the middle of the fairway.  So naturally I thought they were as safe as can be for me to tee off, and Filloon agreed.  (A-hole.)  So naturally I bombed my tee shot and my ball landed right by them.

We did the right thing, and went up to them to apologize.  They were cool.  I’d like to point out here that we were NOT playing slow.  It was just Filloon and I, we had a cart, and we had to wait on the last 5 or 6 tee boxes.   That’s ok…it’s not a race.

Filloon and I were sitting on the same spot on the 16^th fairway.  There was a 4-some of high school kids behind us.  They hit into us too.  No big deal, what comes around goes around, right?  The difference?  No apology from Archie and the turd burglars.  We’re only mildly PO’d at this point.

17^th hole is a par 3.  I put my ball on the middle of the green (I don’t usually golf that well, by the way).  It’s sitting there like a beacon.  You can’t miss it.  We have just enough time to get to the green and go find Filloon’s ball off to the side.  So what do these kids do?  HIT THEIR BALL ON THE GREEN!  Did I mention this is a PAR THREE?  Have you ever even HEARD of hitting into somebody on a par 3?  I pick up their ball and look back at them, and they yell: “Hey!!!”

Filloon is hopping mad now.  He keeps yelling “Hey!” back at them, mumbles, then takes a drink from his beer.  We’re not bombed, but we’re not exactly as sober as a judge.

18^th hole.  We’re to the left of the fairway for my ball; Filloon’s is right in the middle of the fairway.  You got it.  THEY HIT INTO US AGAIN.  Now I’m German pissed off.  I pick up their ball, and throw it so hard over the fence and down the adjacent street that my arm kinda went tingly.  Filloon is so mad he’s shaking.

(Ed Note: I know this isn’t a big deal.  But anybody that golf’s knows how you get when this crap happens.  At the time, it really sucks.)

We finish up on the 18^th green and wait for them.  I’m kinda hoping we don’t break any clubs over their heads because this course is only a few miles from my house and I like it.  Two of the four kids ride up to the green.

 

Shit head HS#1:        “Why did you throw my ball, dude?  That’s not cool.”

Me:                              “Why the fu#k did you hit into us THREE HOLES IN A ROW???  And on a Par 3 when I’m in the middle of the green?  Can’t you see that we were waiting too?” 

Shit head HS#1:        “Still…”

Me:                              “Well if you want your ball, it’s probably still rolling down Sibley Ave.  Go get it.”

Shit head HS#2:        “You guys better watch out.  The other guy with us works for the course.”

Filloon:                        “Then he should fu#king know better!!!  Are you stupid?!?  And are you supposed to ride four on a cart?  How about that?  Should a course employee know that?!?”

Shit head #1 & #2:    (….speechless…)

Me:                              “This is the part where you just shut up and apologize.”

Shit head #1 & #2:    They just drive away.

So Filloon and I go to the clubhouse and bitch about the whole thing.  The course employee asks us to point them out, we do, and he gets a shit eating grin on his face.  I think he hated these kids too.  Then he took after them while we were leaving.

Hey…it was a victory.  I will take a “W” no matter how petty and meaningless it is!

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Are you watching the Bachelorette?!?!?!

Of course not, as I believe that my cousin Jodee and I are the only people on the planet that both watch this show and read a football blog.  That’s OK, I’ve never strived to be normal (I can’t speak for my cuz).  And by the way…if you watch this show for the same reasons my cousin and I do…you watch it because it’s comedy.  Unbelievable, unintentional comedy.  I can’t say that the ABC producers actually edit it to BE a comedy…but that’s how I see it.  (And I know it’s staged and kinda fake…you don’t have to explain that to me.)

 

First off…I like Jillian.  She’s brunette, cute, and has a good personality.  Those are 3 gigantic check marks in the “Buch’s Book on Dating”.  (If she had bigger knockers, I just might have gone on the show and risked losing my job.  OK…not really…but that woulda been an awesome few JTGs!)  Anyway, I think her silly Canadian accent is cute, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she likes to get naughty.  Why?  Because all Canadians (and Aussies) like to drink and get crazy.  I don’t see why Jillian would be any exception.

  

A few thoughts on the “Bag o’ Douches”:

Juan               I’m not a homophobe – living in Iowa City and then Uptown Minneapolis for a total of 8 years gives you enough exposure to that scene that you don’t even notice anymore; it’s kind of like the snake-handling approach to curing ophidiophobia (that’s the fear of snakes, and yes I looked it up).  Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind that Juan is gay.  He’s as gay as jizz on a mustache.   I have no idea why he’s on this show, unless Babs Streisand or Cher dared him that he wouldn’t do it.

And he’s a general contractor?!?!?  Now way.  I bet if you gave him a hammer he’d turn it around and suck the handle. 

And YES…I’d like to punch him in the face.  Not because of his galactic gayness, but because he’s so fake.  He would absolutely bug the living crap outta me if I had to spend a lot of time with him.  However…

Dave              …freaking RELAX duuuuuude.  Why is he so threatened by Juan?  That shows a complete lack of testicular fortitude.  I obviously have much to figure out about women, but I do know that showing a girl your freak show temper when you’ve known her for all of about 10 minutes is not good.

Seriously…are all Ohio (and Michigan) guys total dick-wads?  This guy acts like he’s 12 years old.  I feel so grown up right now.  With that being said, I’m glad Dave is hanging around another week.  Even though he’ll probably get jettisoned before he even gets to the Rose Ceremony next week.

Wes                Everybody that has the name Wes is a tool.  (Wes Obermueller is the exception that proves the rule.)  If I have to hear his stupid song again, I’m going to yack.  I’d like to break Wes’s guitar over Dave’s head and tell Dave that Juan did it.  That would eliminate 3 problems at once.

Tanner P       How funny is this guy?  “I just came here to suck toes.”  That HAS TO BE one of the funniest lines in TV history!!!

Ed                   Good ol’ Easy Ed.  He’s got a shot for sure.  He actually doesn’t bug me…which is saying a lot for this show.

Kyptin            I can’t take him seriously with that stupid name.

Jake               Jodee tells me that he is very hot.  I can see it, but he’s as awkward as my brother Daron was at age 14.  How can he be a pilot – a hot pilot – and be so awkward with women?

Michael          The break-dancer.  I think he’s 16.  Aaaaand…he’s a break-dancer.  That’s…uh…what he does for a living.  Jillian…babe…don’t “take that next step” with a break-dancer.

Mike               I give him props for running into the ocean with the Speedo.  That was pretty danged funny.

Reid               Who?

Mark               I forget about him every week.  He’s the ‘Bachelorette’ equivalent of the right guard on a football team.

Jesse             Did they just add him this week?

 

Eliminated 

Sasha            You have a dumb name too.  And you needed that shot to your ego.

Tanner F       You dress stupid.  When trying to decide to wear bright orange or not…do NOT.

Brad               Oh brother…you kiss like Mr. Rogers, dude.  That was horrible.

 

While watching this show, I’ve figured this much out: Chicks are all drama, but dudes are weird. 

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HAVE A GREAT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO HAWKS!

-Jeffrey the Greek!