Even Spring-ier!
Hello all!
I have big news that came in a little package from the Buchs’!
Sometime on Monday afternoon/evening (details schmetails) Daron and Kelly Buch welcomed a beautiful baby girl: Landree Jo Anne Buch!!!
Lil’ Miss Landree gave mom and dad (especially dad, methinks) a pretty big scare. Although I’m not the best person to tell this story – that has never stopped me in the past – here goes it: Kelly had gone in for a “simple check-up” on Monday and the powers that be decided that the delivery date was not going to be roughly 3 weeks from now…but RIGHT NOW. I won’t go into why that is because I’m a single male that can’t really grasp all that stuff like an unfrozen caveman lawyer that I am…but the facts are simple: we are glad to have Landree with us! She’s a little premature and a lot lucky.
—–
Without Further Delay, this just in from the Hawkeye media booth:
Gary Dolphin: “And here she is, the newest Hawkeye out of North Liberty, Iowa – Landree Buch! Landree is a promising young athlete…don’t let that 3 pounds and 15 ounces on her 17 1/2” frame fool ya – she’s a monster! Eddy?…any thoughts on Landree Buch?
Eddy Podolak: “Holy shee-it! What a grood-looking ashlete! Wooo. She remindsh me of myshelf when I wash with the Chiefshsh. However Dolph, I hash to admit that I’ve had poops bigger than her after a long night of drinking capped off by a Pancheros run!”
Gary Dolphin: “Eddy…I thought you quit drinking…?”
Eddy Podolak: “Bite me Dolph.”
—–
And in case you were all wondering what stops my dad in his tracks (a 59 year-old German rough and tumble guy that farmed most of his life) it’s apparently a little girl that weights less than 4 pounds! You see, Grandpa Buch is scared shitless to even hold his newest grandchild!
Here is that scary monster:
CONGRATS TO DARON AND KELLY!!!
———-
I am heading off to my corporate for ‘Sales Training II’ on Sunday. Ah yes – corporate training. This is my 2nd time out at my company’s training for corporate, so I have a little bit of experience on how this is going to go. However, this is always a bit nerve-racking to a young sales guy before he shoves off. Hurumph.
And even though I was impressed by my company and how ‘Sales Training One’ went…I thought this would be a good time to bring back one of my more popular posts from 2 years ago. This is when I went out for training for a company that did NOT provide very good training:
(I just re-read this…WOW…I used to be edgier in my younger years…)
BOSTON B.S.
Hello Football Fans!
Welp…it’s not the fall (Read: NOT football season)…so why am I writing?
1) Because I have nothing better to do.
2) Because I want to tell you all about the gigantic bag o’ douches I encountered last week!
You see…I started a new job, and “funny” things have happened.
OK…so when a person starts a new sales job (or sales “like” job) in Corporate America – there’s something that absolutely, 100% needs to happen in Corporate America’s mind: Corporate Training. And as far as I can tell, the criteria that every company sets up for their Corporate Training in all of Corporate America goes something like this:
1) It must be 5 days long. (Heaven forbid you get to leave whenever you want on Friday.)
2) The training must be performed by either be an ugly woman, or some guy 5′ 7″ or less.
3) You have to fly to somewhere colder than where you currently live, even if (some-freakin’-how) you currently live in Minnesota.
4) You need to be in a room, flooded with fluorescent light, sitting around a big table that has juuuuust enough room for the amount of people in your class.
5) The other people in the class are professional douche-bags.
For those of you than can relate, you’re nodding your head right now. For those of you that can’t, I’m jealous of you, and sorta hope that you have a very painful bowl movement very soon. My training was in Boston last week.
What I sell these days is inconsequential to point I’m trying to make in this email. What I really want to tell you about is how much I was annoyed by almost everybody in my training class, starting with the least offensive and working my way to the person I’m planning to assassinate.
Art (the trainer) from Maine.
Art was actually a good guy…and I learned a lot from him. And yes…Art is 5′ 6″…maybe.
The Class:
7) Bill from Pittsburgh.
If Bill wasn’t in this class, I would have never got out of Boston because I woulda either killed somebody and gotten arrested, or killed myself. Bill was funny as hell, intelligent, likes to talk football, and could drink beer like a champ. So we got along just fine. (For those of you who know him – he looks a lot like Gotschall.) Bill is also 99% full of SHIT, and I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him. Even Bill would agree with that statement, and I’m pretty sure I told him the same thing. But he lives in Atlanta now and says he can get me free tickets to a Georgia Bulldog game, so I pray that statement falls in that 1% area.
6) Jennifer from Houston.
I think it would be fair to say that I liked Jennifer, and she loved me. No…not like that…Jennifer is pushing 50. It was more of a ‘loved me like a son’ kind of deal – and told me that she hopes her kids talk as well about my parents as I do (I’m such a good boy like that). Also, Jennifer applies her make-up with same tools that I used last summer when I was mudding the sheetrock in my basement.
5) Annette from Albuquerque.
Annette is as sweet as can be. Annette is also:
- Dumb as can be (and)
- Quite the whore.
She made me feel straight-up uncomfortable on Monday night because she was hitting on me so hard. (And for those of you who don’t know me, that takes a VERY straight-forward women). I pawned her off on training-mate Jason (different class) on Monday night. And by the way…that’s the first night we even had the chance to get to know each other! (Annette was on mission.) This turned out to be a great move, because she went back to Jason’s room and puked all over his hotel bathroom because she was so drunk off of Apple Martini’s. This also explains why she was so attracted to me. Then Jason had to field about 10 “Did you hook-up with her?” questions the next 2 days as I laughed.
I decided on Tuesday that I wouldn’t call her Annette, and instead call her “A Nut” because…well…ya know.
- I should stop now and tell you that the next four people used to be accountants. Got it?
4) Cynthia from Bakersfield.
I shouldn’t dislike Cynthia, and I probably don’t. It’s not that Cynthia did mean things or is stupid. She is an articulate, nice person. She’s just really, really, freakin’ annoying. She’s also obese, and fat people bug me. I swear on Kinnick Stadium that her head wouldn’t fit into a 5-gallon Home Depot bucket.
Also, she had a business bag with her all week that had a giant cross on it with a bible verse, and she talked about God a little too much. Hey…I’m all about the ‘J-man’ and everything he’s done for us, but you really should get to know somebody before you breach that conversation. Also, I just don’t see this type of personality killin’ it in the sales world.
3) Donna from Fort Wayne.
Just like Cynthia – not mean/stupid – but really annoying. And although she wasn’t fat, she might possibly be one of the homeliest humans I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Her alien-like face inspired this conversation between Bill and I:
Bill: “The women in this class are freakin’ dogs.”
Jeff: “Yup…and Donna is the worst pick of the lot. Something’s wrong with her face, man.”
Bill: “I hear ya! I think she’s been in a car accident or something!”
Jeff: “I thought that at first too…but then I took a deep breathe and looked closely…and I realized that she has no scars. She’s just that ugly.”
Bill: “AAAaaaaarrrrrrrghhhh!”
Me: “AAAaaaaarrrrrrrghhhh!”
Also:
We did live calls on Wednesday, and because she has NO SALES EXPERIENCE…she got all excited because she actually got a hold of somebody, used her new training, and the call went pretty good. She even exclaimed this to the class. Then on Thursday, she had a horrible call and I looked back at her and she was crying, then she left the room for a few minutes. If there’s a sign somewhere that says: “Not Cut Out For the Sales World”…she should be standing directly underneath it.
2) Eloy from Oak Brook.
F.I.B.’s strike again. This freakin’ Beaner can choke on a Chalupa for all I care. All he did the entire week was piss and moan about missing his wife and kid. I really didn’t mind him all that much (I just thought he was a wuss) until Wednesday morning. To tell you where I’m coming from, I’ll tell you exactly what happened:
Art the trainer was talking about making sure you communicate well with people, because your point-of-view is many times different than theirs. (Very true.) The example he gave was the word “fast”…because that word means different things to different people. Completely unsolicited, Eloy fires out this little nugget:
Eloy: “Yea…I was really fast. I ran the 40 in under 4.3 seconds.”
(I just about crapped my pants. I went to a Big Ten football school, and I can honestly say that the only two people I ever saw run legit 4.3’s were Tavian Banks and Tim Dwight. Yet this pudgy, 5′ 3″ janitor says he can run a sub 4.3?!?!?!?! “F” that.)
Then it got worse:
Donna: “I don’t even know what that means…is that fast?”
(and I swear to everything that’s holy…this is EXACTLY what Eloy said)
Eloy: “Oh yea…it’s pretty much Olympic speed.”
It’s been almost a week since he said that, and I’m still getting pissed just typing this.
1) Jennifer Barnes from Ft. Lauderdale.
Lord knows I’m no saint (insert cough here) but I’m pretty sure that I’ve done more good things than bad in life, so I feel confident that I’m going to heaven. However, if there IS a hell and I wind up there…Jennifer Barnes will open up the fiery gates of eternal damnation. Consider:
- She’s the girl that has a comment for, I swear, 90% of the topics we covered. She’s the girl that wouldn’t go out at night so that she could sit in her hotel room and memorize our call scripts. She’s the girl that makes sure the trainer doesn’t forget the homework. Yes folks…she’s THAT GIRL.
- Also, she has a pretty severe under-bite, which she accentuated with bright-red lipstick.
- Jennifer has a southern accent. And not the ‘cute-Georgia-girl-with-curls’ accent. This was the trailer-trash-northern-Florida kind.
- She also talked and talked and talked about the 3 years she helped run the “It’s Just Lunch” dating website. (SIDENOTE: If you don’t know about this, ”It’s Just Lunch” is a dating site for “busy professionals” where they meet for lunch and hopefully fall in love. I’ve got nothing against dating websites and the people that use them. Once the candles reach 30 this fall, I could see myself giving it a try, in fact (EDITOR’S NOTE: I still haven’t). But she acted like she was saving the world. All I could think about was my buddy, who uses the site for no other reason than to score trim. After listening to Jennifer talk about it all week, I told her on Thursday night that those dating websites were pretty much just online brothels, and they should rename it “It’s Just Fellatio”. She was not pleased.
Aaaaahhh…
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GO HAWKS!
- Jeffrey the Greek!
