Minnesota: What do we eat?!?

Hello football fans!!!

 

A few quick words on the Purdue game:  It was painful.  At the tailgate after the game, I told somebody it felt like a 3-hour car crash that – somehow – everybody survived.  The only thing that kept going through my head was how much more painful it would have been had we not upset Penn State the week before.  Now we sit at the magical 7-win plateau which assures us of not only going to a bowl, but going to a pretty decent bow.  8-wins gives us a real chance at going to a New Year’s Day bowl.

 

 

JTG Shenanigans!

 

A special 5-part version this week!  In fact, there’s very little football content this week – so read what you can.

 

 

Shenanigan #1

 

As I mentioned, I spent last week in Detroit (again).  This was because my boss couldn’t come up with anything better for me to do, and he didn’t want to come to Minnesota – so naturally I flew to Detroit.  I’ve all but begged him to give me some accounts to start calling on, but that won’t happen until December.  As I type this, I’m on a plane flying to Boston for my last week of training, which is also my last week of travelling.  I will have no problems finding something to be thankful for next week before I gorge myself with Turkey and Mountain Dew Salad (it’s a dessert my mom and Aunt Wendy make).

 

Ok – Detroit:

 

As you may recall, I met a girl the last time I was in Detroit; she’s a bartender at a cool Irish pub.  Although I didn’t go into great detail, I also told you enough to get an idea.

 

Welp…I saw her again last week when I was there.  I’ve texted and called her a few times since my last Detroit visit, and found out that she’s funny and has a unique view on things.  This of course ruined what I wanted: nothing complicated at all where nobody gets hurt.  As it turns out – we got to know each other and become – yaaaak! – friends.  And any single guy will tell ya – once you get into the “friend zone” there’s no escaping, and I’m no different.  She shut me down like an old International.

 

However, we still hung out and I told her about this blog later on in the night.  I mentioned the name of my blog only once, thinking that she was too drunk to remember and wouldn’t have nearly enough motivation when she was sober.  She had both – and Google’d JeffreytheGreek and found my blog!  This was surprising to me, as I had no idea that I was even “Google-able”!  What level of celebrity does that make me – like a “J” celebrity?

 

So I just got back from Detroit last Thursday afternoon, and I’m sitting in my office about half asleep when she texts me: “Your blog is very interesting – your take on that night we hung out is a little different than mine.”

 

Oooooohhh shit.

 

Her:     “I’m thinking about replying to your site to say ‘hi’!”

 

Me:      “You’re full of shit.”

           

Her:     “Nope – I’m serious!  I printed it out and brought it to the bar today for everybody to read.  The cooks and the other bartender have all read it.”

 

Me:      “Thanks for the new fans!”

 

 

Shenanigans #2

 

I rode down last week to the Purdue game with my buddy Patrick and his buddy/co-worker Tim.  They both live in Minneapolis; Patrick is one of my best friends up here.  Both Patrick and Tim are Irish.  Of course that means we drank on the way down (I was the one trying to talk them out of it) and had a few laughs.

 

We stopped by an old buddy of Patrick’s that still lives in Center Point; I will withhold his name to keep any police officers or members of PETA from tracking him down.  Let’s just call him Pete.  Anyhoo, Pat and I were in a conversation with Tim about the differences between growing up in the Twin Cities and Iowa.  This led to a conversation about the difference between a “hick” and a “redneck”; we all agreed that a “hick” can be a successful, intelligent person (that just like to keep things simple and does care for the finer things in life) while a “redneck” is a dumb bastard that should be punched around the head and neck.

 

So we get to Center Point (“Middle Dot” as Patrick calls it) and we get outta the car.  As we’re walking into the backyard, Pete comes over to let us in the gate.  He has a dog – a pretty big yellow lab – that is barking and going ape-shit.  So what does Pete do?  He punches the dog in the head Mongo style!  Tim and I were stunned!

 

So we walk into the garage – and THIS is when it gets weird.  Two little boys are flying around the garage, a 9-year-old and an 11-year-old.  They’re picking up empty beer cans (Busch Light – so perfect) and throwing them in a big tub; there are about 50 of them from the three guys that have been drinking since they left the job site.  One of the kids – and I think this is worth mentioning as it builds a visual – is only in jeans and sox with no shirt (despite the cold temperature and muddy garage floor).

 

So these little bastards are running around like they’ve just took a hit of speed.  The “game” is this: they pick up the cans from the garage floor then put them in the big bucket as quick as they can.  After that, they pull the bucket up by a string to the top of a storage loft that has to be 14 feet above the hard, cement floor.  Then climb up the 12 foot ladder, get in the loft, empty the bucket, lower the bucket to the floor, and commence throwing empty beer cans down into the bucket.  Rinse and repeat.  I don’t think this will catch on even as well as “Hoover Ball” did.

 

So Tim and are sitting back watching this with both our mouths and eyes wide open.  Tim keeps whispering to me: “When does the door fly open and the “Bad Boys, Bad Boys” song start?”

 

So here’s the REALLY bad part!  There’s chopped woods and wood bits all over the place.  Why?  Because the kids where chopping wood WITH A REAL AXE earlier in the night, naturally.  And where is the axe now?  Sitting on the floor by the ladders – SHARP EDGE UP.  The 9-year-old is getting down off the ladder (to re-fill the tub) and jumps down from about the 2^nd-to-the-bottom rung and lands approximately 3 inches from the blade.  Keep in mind this is the kid that’s not wearing any freaking shoes!  When he landed and just missed the blade, Tim and I both do a “Whoa!” while nobody else moves.  I can’t take it anymore, so the next time the kid goes up the ladder, I run over and grab the axe.  The dad’s response (in jest, I will add)?  “Don’t mess with the kids’ toys!”

 

When there are 6 adults in the room and I’M THE MOST RESPONSIBLE?!?!?…that’s not good, folks.

 

So we leave, and within .05 seconds of the doors slamming in the car, Tim says: “Those aren’t hicks – those are REDNECKS!”

 

 

Shenanigans #3

 

Did I mention there was a bachelor party I was in town for?

 

After the game, I started pounding Guinness’ at “Charlie’s On the River” like I was expecting to find a pot o’ gold at the bottom of each glass.  I’m there with my family – my entire family! – as my brother Doug used his “Get Out of Jail Free” card for the first time since the Reagan administration.  The rest of the tailgate crew was there including Galligan, Slicker, Darin, and Fred – a very rare situation that doesn’t happen nearly enough.

 

So I make it downtown (thanks Andy Volz) and go to “The Airliner” to meet the rest of the bachelor party crew.  Not much happens here, except that all of us are already really drunk and stupid.  We’re hitting on anything that moves, and although I can’t really remember, one can only assume we smell like “barbeque and Old Spice” (as Tim puts it).

 

The one female bartender is pretty hot.  Not gorgeous, but sort of a Jewess Queen that you’ve had a fantasy about at least once or perhaps 1,567 times in your life.  I don’t say anything to her, as I know she’s about 22 and I’m about too fucking old.  On cue, Patrick comes up and puts his arm around me and says to her: “Hey babe – my buddy here thinks your gorgeous!  You should buy him a drink!”  Nice.

 

Her reaction?  “Pppfffft.”  Rolls her eyes, and walks away.  I know I have old balls from her perspective, but I thought that was overboard.  She runs away from us and avoids me like the black plague.  Patrick laughs.

 

I try to order a beer from her and she completely ignores me.  The guy bartender gives me a drink.  I try to order from her again, same result.  Meanwhile, the 6 post-game Budweiser’s, 6 Guinness’ at Charlie’s, and 4 vodka-tonics are mixing in my bloodstream…making me a lethal German-Irish-Russian persona-non-grata that’s been outlawed in 28 states.

 

So we’re getting ready to go – or so I think we are – and I’m feeling ornery.  As I get up, I grab Tim and say to him: “Come here, I want you to see this.”  And get the female bartender’s attention.  “Hey you.  Guess what?  You’re not that fucking hot.  And even if you were, you’re shitty attitude still wouldn’t be worth the bullshit.”

 

Woooooo-hooooo!!!!

 

Except that nobody wants to leave, and Tim and I are stuck between the bar and the front door.  The Jewess Queen proceeds to launch ice and whatever else she can get her hands on at me until Tim and leave for the Sports Column.

 

So there’s a long line at the Column by now, and as we’re crossing the door, Tim Dwight is walking in the back because, ya know, he’s Tim Dwight.  I yell – “Timmy!”  He yells: “…hey man!…how are you?”  I know he recognizes me, but it’s been awhile.

 

Me: “Can I get in the back with ya?”  He lets us.

 

I ask Tim: “Do you know who we just got let in by?  Tim Dwight.”

 

Tim (from Minneapolis and not a sports fan: “Who the fuck is that?!???”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

I’m sitting at the bar and I notice Seth Olsen; he’s sitting there with his wife.  I’m HAMMERED.  So I walk over to him and say: “Heeyuh, mannn.  Shanks for shush a great sheason.  I LOVE the reshilanshy (resiliency) of this team!  It’s all about the O and D lines and that’sh AWESHOME.”

 

I honestly think he was cool, and asked about me.  I told him I was on the team from 1996-2000 and was a member of the “famed” 2000 Senior class.  He told me that Ferentz STILL talks about our Senior class, and that makes me feel extra special.  I can’t remember if I hugged him (you know I like to do that) but I hope I did.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Here was the texting between Dick Galligan and I:

 

Me:                  U should b here!  I just met Seth Olsen.  He’s a good guy.

 

Galligan:          So was Fran Tarkenton.

 

Me:                  Fran Tarkenton had three nipples.  Not sure if you knew that.

 

Galligan:          Of course I knew that.  Do you think I’m stupid?

 

Me:                  Haha.  Ooops.  I just pee’d in a duffle bag.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

So we watched the UFC fight to see Brock Lesnar kick ass, and then leave the column.

 

 

(I told you I had a lot.)

 

 

Shenanigan #4

 

Tim and I separate from the group (I work better in small groups) and go to “Vito’s”.  I immediately start dancing.  Tim later explains my dance moves as “straight-up retardation” but gol’ dangit – I think I can move well for a white boy.  They start playing “Bulls on Parade” (I think) and I’m all jacked up.  I start chest-bumping a girl.  She chest-bumps back.  Then I start chasing her around the dance floor slapping her on the ass.  Most of this is told to me by Tim the next day.

 

I leave to go on a “walkabout” – this is something you need to be aware of with me when I’ve been drinking heavily.  I took off and I know I puked at some point.  I think it was either behind a dumpster or an AC unit in an alley.

 

So I’m just walking around, and Patrick calls me and asks me where I’m at, I was right in front of “Quinton’s”.  No shit – Patrick is all by himself right around the corner!  So we go in together, and Patrick immediately walks up to two hot girls and starts talking.  I can’t imagine that I’m even speaking English at this point.  They tell us about a “cool bar” right around the corner that has an awesome “Sublime” Cover Band.  We are DOWN.  So we go to the bar with the girls.

 

I don’t think they could have lost us faster in that next place – we weren’t even out of the entry way of the bar.  Some girls just don’t get irony.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Patrick has lost not one, not two, but all three credit cards/forms of payment throughout the weekend.  So we’re pounding beers with what little cash I have left.  I’m trying to find the girls – somewhat because I know how to take a hint – but can’t find them.  What I DO find is a weird stairwell in the bar.  {Hmmmmm…I think…what is this?}  At the top of the stairwell, is an iron gate with a guy standing next to it; Patrick is right behind me.  I’m drunk and don’t give a rat’s ass, so I just push the gate open and walk in.

 

BAM.  FULL ON GAY BAR.

 

Patrick and I are stunned.  We both lived in Uptown Minneapolis for several years and can’t get over the Über-Gayness that’s happening.  Dudes dancing with dudes, girls dancing with girls, and the best part: Three guys in nothing but their boxer briefs dancing on the small stage.

 

After a few seconds of shock, Patrick and I do what any drunken dumbasses that can’t be phased do: We jump right in.  I’m right back in my “straight-up retardation” dancing phase, and Patrick isn’t far behind.  We’re still wearing are Iowa Football shirts, and couldn’t have possibly looked any straighter.  Fun times.

 

We leave shortly after, laughing and giggling like the two douche bags that we are.

 

And by the way, that “Sublime” Cover Band was AMAZING.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

The next day, as we’re leaving the downtown hotel that we all crashed at, Tim, Patrick, and I are all in Patrick’s SUV laughing and giggling about the night before.  As we’re pulling out, the cashier is a middle-aged lady that looks like she knows the recipe to “Mountain Dew” salad.  As we’re paying, I lean over and say to her: “We went to a gay bar last night.”

 

Without pause she answers: “Well…THAT must have been nice!”  By the way, that’s the catch-phrase for Patrick, Tim, and I for the next 2-3 years.

 

 

Shenanigan #5

 

I’m almost done.

 

So on Sunday, the three of us are so freaking hung-over that we can barely exist.  We go to “3^rd Base” in CR to eat – but barely touch our food.  We go to Patrick’s parents’ cabin north of Center Point to nap.

 

We finally take off about 4:00 pm and it’s already getting dark.  I ask Patrick if he wants to drive, and he says “No” so I take the keys.  We fight about which route to take; I like taking 63 and going through Rochester, Patrick likes taking 218 going by Charles City.  I win because I’m driving.

 

And what am I driving?   Patrick’s BMW X-5 SUV.

 

There really aren’t many details to say: I DESTROYED a deer with Patrick’s vehicle.  The only thing I saw was Bambi Bits flying in every direction of the car.  And the thing that’s amazing?  That freaking German-engineered BEAST that I was driving barely felt it; it was like we hit a small house cat or something.  We waited for the cops to file a report, and were able to drive all the way back to Minneapolis.  AWESOME.  In the year 2038 – when I can finally afford a BMW – I’m gonna get me one of those.

 

 

 

WEEK 11:

 

IT’S GOOPHER WEEK!!!

 

Remember my Aunt Wendy’s Cheer:

 

What do we eat?!?  What do we eat?!?

GOPHER MEAT!  GOPHER MEAT!

How do we like it?!?  How do we like it?!?

RAW!  RAW!  RAW!

 

You all have NO IDEA how excited I am to be able to see everybody and also to get to see live Hawkeye football WITHOUT HAVING TO DRIVE FOUR HOURS TO DO SO.  It’s just too bad Football Christmas only comes every other year.

 

 

Iowa Hawkeyes @ Minnesota Golden Goophers

6:00 PM / BTN / Line: Iowa by 7

 

As many of us know, these are two teams with the same record (7-4) that are going in two opposite directions.  The Hawkeyes have the chance to win 5 out of their last 6 games with a win over Minnesota; it would be an unbelievable cherry on top of what has been a really good regular season.  Minnesota, on the other hand, has lost three games in a row, with the last one being a heart-breaker against their rival Wisconsin where they had the lead in the 3^rd quarter.

 

Minnesota is still a pretty good team.  They’ve made their living this year off of two things:

1)      Adam Decker and his amazing play-making ability.

2)      Winning the turnover battle week after week.

 

However, during the last three games – all losses – that hasn’t been the case.  But the Goophers are still ranked 4^th in country in turnover margin.  I could say this every week, but if there’s one HUGE thing that will decide the game on Saturday, it’s who wins the turnover battle.  Minnesota is very opportunistic, and we’ve certainly shown that we’re willing to give the ball up.  We can’t do that this week.

 

It looks like Adam Decker will be playing on Saturday.  The turnover ration and Decker coming back are two unfortunate things for all the Hawkeye fans that are travelling up I-35 (or 63/52) to kiss the last game in Kinnick North goodbye.

 

 

Game:

 

I’m pretty sure we’re going to see what Purdue tried to do last week – load the box against the AMAZING Shonn Greene (already the winner of the Tailgate MVP award) and make Rick Stanzi do SOMETHING.  That does make me nervous, as Stanzi might find the Metrodome and the artificial noise a little disturbing.  However, Purdue isn’t the only team that’s loaded the box against Greene, and Greene still seems to get his yards.  We’ll need that again this week, as Minnesota has the ability to fly around create mistakes.

 

The turnover thing definitely makes me nervous.

 

 

OK JTG Blog fans – here you go again:

 

I think we’ll make one too many mistakes and…umm…we’ll get beat.

 

Minnesota 21  -  Iowa Hawkeyes 20

 

 

 

 

Week 12 “Precarious Predictions”

YTD NCAA Record              42-36-6

Last Week                                       7-3

Iowa ATS                               4-5

 

 

Games of note – 8 games predicted (including Iowa):

 

 

Saturday

 

Big Ten

 

Meeechigan @ #10 Ohio State

11 AM / ABC / Line: OSU by 21

What a TOUGH game to predict.  On one hand, you have a Meeechigan team that is absolutely LIMPING to the finish, losing again last week against Northwestern and also losing their starting QB and RB.

On the other hand, you have a PO’d Meeechigan team that’s playing in arguably the most heated rivalry in all of sports.

If you do your research on this game, you’ll see that crazy things happen.  I’m not saying that I think Meeechigan will win, but crazy things happen.

Meeechigan + the points.

 

Illinois @ Northwestern

2:30 / No TV? / Line: Illini by 3

There’s no TV in this game?  What?  Not even the BTN?  Weird.

You would think Illinois would come out fired up, as this is (sort of) a rivalry, and even more important they need this win to make it to a bowl.  However, this is a Ron Zook team that knows it’s got a really good chance of that bowl being the Motor City Bowl.  And the last time they played there

Meeechigan + points.

 

 

Big Ten Game of the Week

 

#15 Michigan St @ #8 Penn St

2:30PM / ABC / Line: PSU by 14.5

I haven’t seen a bye week help a team yet this year – and Sparty is just coming off of a bye.  I think Penn State got on track last week.

However, I really wish this was 13.5 instead of 14.5.

Penn State covers.

 

 

#14 BYU @ #7 Utah

5PM / MTN / Line: Utah by 7

The Holy War!  Maybe it’s because I’m reading a book about how crazy Mormons are, or maybe it’s because my buddy Josh Rempfer really likes the Utes, but I’m very interested in this game, and I’m really pulling for the Utes.

I just feel that they’re a tad over-rate, and that BYU is feeling frisky.  And besides, 7 points is usually a lot in a rivalry.

BYU + the points.

 

 

Big East

 

#20 Pittsburgh @ #19 Cincinnati

6:00 / ESPN2 / Line: Cincy by 5

I just don’t believe in Pitt – I think Cincy has looked better when I’ve seen them play.

Cincy covers.

 

 

Pac-10

 

#21 Oregon St @ Arizona

6:00 / No Tv / Line: Arizona by 2.5

I don’t see this Oregon St knocking out Ohio State thing ending just yet.

Oregon St + the points.

 

 

Big 12/National Game of the Week:

 

#2 Texas Tech @ #4 Oklahoma

7:00 / ABC / Line: Oklahoma by 7

I have been LOVING how Texas Tech has been treating me the past several weeks…so why am I so scared to take the 7 points against Oklahoma?  Obviously that’s partly because Oklahoma is a good team, and they’re at home.  I just wonder how good that Oklahoma defense really is?

I still think Texas Tech is amazing.  Their offense is one of the best in the history off college football, and their defense is punchy.  Also, I think Tech has all the motivation in this game; people STILL don’t believe in them.

7 points is too much.

Tech + the points.

 

 

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

GO HAWKS!

 

- Jeffrey the Greek!